Despite Everything, I Still Refuse To Text You

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"I know that it will only take a few seconds to strike a conversation with you. It seems all easy. Yet every time, I scroll to your contact I will only find myself stuck not knowing what to do. It affects me so much probably because you mean so much to me. I can't decide what's more important and what's dearest towards me anymore". Another social dilemma phenomenon that people will experience from time to time. Surely, I find it indeed relatable in my life. 

I am just afraid that I am bothering your peace

I see your feeds all over my social media platforms and thought that you might be better off without me. I am worried that my text will ruin your mood. Yes, I may be over thinking but again, who will be there to answer my insecurities? After all, I only want to see happiness in you and the best for you. I guess I can settle my emotions myself. I just, just cannot take risks on this matter. 

It isn't just my responsibility to keep this relationship alive

You are on my mind, I miss you. I should not text you this time round because I shall wait for you to start the conversation first this time. It isn't about being childish but I want to know whether you will reciprocate or will even think of me. That's that, nothing more complicated than this. 

I am afraid to know how you are doing

I am no longer part of your life. I know we are emotionally hurt and as much as I love you, I know you might be better off alone or if not, living a happier life with your new partner. Whatever news or information gets to me will only kill me to hear it. 

Everything remains status quo

Nothing will change. Both of us are over with compromising and trying. We come from different ends of the universe and we will have to accept this fact. Even if we had planned something together and tried it out. The outcome will still remain the same. 

The thought of not receiving a reply

Why did I even text you despite knowing that will happen? I regretted it so much. At the very least, I can now tell myself to let go and readjust my priorities. 

I have no idea what I would end up saying to you

I will not say that I miss you. Rather, I will let my messages to you suggest that. Do I hope for things to have gone another way? That I miss hearing your voice, laughter, and your company? Do I want sympathy out of all the confessions that I am about to make? Finally, I decided to put my phone away than to go through all these troubles myself once again.

Your Life Is Your Message

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Has it ever come across to you that your life is a message? 

I know this may seem senseless to some people at this point in time but please give me an opportunity by reading on. I hope to make sense at the end of it.

Some of you might be wondering who would ever take interest in my life? I am neither popular nor a prominent figure. I must be kidding myself that my life would ever be of attention to the people around me. To this end, I want to tell to whom it may concern to let go, free whatever insecurities you have, because they don't really matter. Everyone is unique in their own ways. Yet, I understand it is not easy to stand against your own insecurities out of the blue because saying is one thing and doing is another. But little did you realize that you have already won half the battle by choosing to deal with your insecurities?

Like many other people, I had my own insecurities too. I thought to myself, who would care about me, less my family? You can see it as I was experiencing some kind of mid-life crisis. But, that's life. You either move on or degrade, you decide. Being 16 years old at that point in time, I was old enough to decide this on my own. Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes, I concluded. 

You can either choose to feel that the entire world is going against you and decide to shut yourself from the world and live a happy life or prove these people wrong and come out strong from it. Just as Pericles wisely puts it across, "Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you".

Emerging victorious from your insecurities and crisis to me is the prerequisite to accepting your life as a message. Because this is the moment where you figure out your true self and what you strive to become. Most important of all, this also goes to show that you have the resilience, tenacity, and vigor to make an impact on people lives.

What comes next will be your priorities. You got to be clear on this as it will help to maximize your life. When it comes down to this, just be prepared that what you set out to do will be assessed by the people around you, that's the reality. You will receive praises and as well as, criticisms. One piece of advice will be that you got to make sure that your commitments are aligned according to your conscience. After all, it is difficult to please everyone, just as expected. Just remember that you are the author of your own destiny, you dictate the many more stories to come.

When I started out volunteering at the meet-the-people sessions two years ago, my friends would often question me whether I was pro People's Action Party (PAP) but their replies never really bothered me. Because I was clear on what I wanted to achieve for the residents - better lives and as well as, to be their listening ears. 

Then, I enlisted to serve the army and now being a commissioned officer, I was never the quite fierce and strict one, contrary to what many may think of officers. It was all about choices, right? I told my guys, "The first time you make a mistake, it's a genuine one. The second time you make a mistake is a choice, you face it". I do believe that this is fair. Thereafter, I thought about the age differences between myself and my guys. They are only two or three years younger than me. So, I decided on the environment that they shall learn and train in - that is by seeing them as to-be-adults. I was also certainly prepared to receive constructive feedbacks from my fellow friends and sergeant on my approach.

At the end of the day, you will dictate the kind of life to live, your ambitions, the person you wish to be. But little did you realize, the decisions you made daily will have an impact on the people around you. Henceforth, I encourage that if you can do more in life, you must do so. The lives of others shall depend on you. 

This Is, Your Life As Your Message